Well, two weeks ago I got a call back for an audition I had submitted to play a part in. It wasn't something I was ecstatic about, but it sounded intriguing, so I signed up for an audition time. It couldn't be that hard right? Plus, if I showed up to meet with them then I would have a chance to drop off my sample work for script supervising, which is a job that I do get ecstatic about.
Lucky for me, my husband is a director and his best friend is an actor, so I had good and kind help preparing for it. We read, shaped, and sculpted my part to perfection. And truly, when I left the door to go to this audition I was as calm as day and actually thought that this audition was going to be fun.
Driving...I was fine. Walking in...fine. Signing in and getting my picture taken...still fine. Going to the bathroom...just fine. Then a man stood in the hallway and called my name. I got up walked down the hall...fine. Then I walked into the room...my heart started beating faster. Not so bad at first, I sensed it but figured it would go away in a minute. The casting director talked to me briefly, chatted about my name saying the same thing everyone says when they hear it for the first time, "What an interesting name." I smiled and told her "I got lucky I guess." She returned my comment with a weird look that I couldn't place. She then told me where to stand and to say my name to the camera, which I did. Then she sat down to start reading the lines with me. At this moment a 100 mile per hour gust of fear slammed into me and knocked me breathless. Truly breathless. My chest tightened as it fought for more oxygen and my throat felt as though an invisible ghost had its hands securely wrapped around my neck.
So I did all I could do in the moment, attempt to take a few weak breaths before I began and get on with what I came to do. She began her lines and I followed with mine. I didn't get very far though because soon after beginning I ran completely out of air and began gasping. I think I frightened her. You may use your imagination as much as you like to see how I got my breath back, because I can't remember how it all happened. Finally I did get it back though and gathered any little shattered bits of courage left around me to stand in front of the camera and start over again. The look on her face: "This girl is pathetic." I tried not to think about her disgust and began again. I finished, thankfully, but not graciously. The woman directed me, telling me to calm down, and play the role differently. I was able to change the tone of the role, but no matter how hard I tried I could not win the battle with the choking fear, it was hopeless.
At the end of the second round she sighed, somewhere between the emotion of frustrated and disgusted, and then walked to her desk and said, "Well...thanks for taking time to come out here and do this." But I was looking into her eyes and they read, "You're wasting my time, get out of here." So I did.
I walked out of the building thrilled as can be that I was finally out of that horrible room. I drank the fresh air in like a cool glass of water. All the pretty plants, trees and flowers around me seemed to say, "It's OK, you're with us now, we love you."
And then it came, my epiphany. Somehow, by the grace of God I'm sure, I was able to see and believe in myself entirely. I knew I was capable of doing anything I wanted. It isn't failure or incapability that stops me, it's fear. I thought back to each of the things I was confident in and realized that they had all come after a distinct and brutal battle with cruel fear. The best part of this realization- that this mean throat choking fear monster can be defeated, and I have done it before. And...as long as I keep trying, I become more free. Free to dream and become as I please.
Like I said, this audition was one of those nightmares that I wish I could someday forget, but I never will, and I guess I'm glad.
